We have all met one…

The mom that goes on and on about how perfect and wonderful and lets not forget, how “advanced” her kids are. She is the one who feigns a look of concern when you admit that your baby isn’t yet crawling or cut their first tooth. She always gets her photos printed or film developed, depending on the generation of course. She immediately categorizes them by date and inserts them in an ever present photo album ready to whip out of her purse with the speed of a ninja at the mere mention of a late period.

When you spot her, you try with all your might to slip down a side aisle at the grocery store just to avoid a conversation. Inevitably though, you WILL need bread at the exact moment as she. You’re now trapped between the barbeque rolls and the English muffins for a minimum of 23 minutes while being forced to listen to her very detailed description of little Johnnie’s poopies…color, texture, consistency, smell, just wonderful!

She’s the mom we all love to hate.

I will be the first to admit that I have in fact been this mom before. “Darien started crawling at 4 months”, or “oh that’s too bad, Darien’s teeth are absolutely perfect.” “Did you get the invitation to the award ceremony at school next week? No? Well, you’re daughter must not be receiving any awards. Darien will be getting 5!!”

I started noticing the eye rolls or tiny little jeers disguised as patient smiles. Who had I become??? I became “that crazy mom” that people avoided in the grocery store! I had to take a step back and realize that I was losing any real credibility I had as a mom every time I opened my mouth. It is one thing to be proud of your child but not at the expense of other moms. We need to stick together!!!
Needless to say, I have a problem…

I’ve even joined a 12-step program called CMA-Competitive Mom’s Anonymous. It does seem to be more trouble than its worth because all we do is brag on our kids and try to one-up each other. The offers of unsolicited advice on how to raise your child really get the meetings interesting, as you can imagine. It gets pretty intense. Who needs WWE or UFC when you have CMA?

I do have the occasional relapse, at which time I just run through the 12 steps in my head. For the most part though, I keep most of my high-falutin opinions of my wonderful, amazing kids to myself!!